Self Reflection

I have been told that lately I have been very negative. I thought I was improving. With writing more, listening to music and starting a gratitude jar, I did not think I was being any sort of way. I do everything I do in hopes that I will become more positive and have higher self esteem. I also aim to be happy. Apparently I had it pointed out that I am not happy. I did not mean to come off as negative. Maybe I am not explaining myself properly or I am being negative sometimes. I do struggle to explain my feelings and express myself. It is why I write, read, listen to music and occasionally sing. I also want to draw. Those are the only ways in which I know how to properly communicate. Speaking is much harder but I am working on it. Now that I realize how I have been, I will try to be better. I had it rudely pointed out, and I know my dad knows he was rude to me because I burst into tears. I only speak about my problems to have a supportive ear listen to me but not judge and hurt my feelings. Sadly I picked the wrong person to confide in and must be more careful. I actually believe that I might be irritating most of the people I confide in, and I do not mean to be irritating. Even though I was taught to be open, I have to close up a bit because maybe I am being too open. I will resort to my journals more and pick and choose what to share with friends. Life is way more complicated that I thought. I have to be more self aware every second of the day. I have already been watching other parts of my life and feel I have a never ending list of things to do and keep up with. I just have to add this to my list I guess. I am not trying to be negative but I am feeling overwhelmed. Life is a constant struggle but I am trying my best. I just have to make my best better some how. I do not know how but I hope I can figure that out. It feels good to blog again. I missed doing this but did not have the energy to sit at a computer to do this. I stopped caring about blogging and just wrote in journals instead. I have a lot to do in life too. So it is hard to keep up with every last thing I like to do but it does not stop me from trying. I will do more self reflection every day. I will be careful and find a balance in everything. I am not giving up. I can be strong, I am strong. I have to be.

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The App For This Site Sucks

The app for this site does not work. I spent an hour writing out a blog on my tablet, only to find that there is no post botton to post my blog. I wasted a whole hour to find out that the blog app does not work. That was very disappointing and I sure hope it gets fixed soon. It did work at first. I haven’t used it in a while and when I want to get back to it, I cant. I have to come on the computer just to post something. I tried to post a comment so that it could be fixed but the app wont let me. Please fix that. I would prefer to blog on my tablet, not on my computer.

A Routine

             I have started to go to church more often. I have been making it a priority since I really missed going for the long couple months I did not go . I had a lot happen to me over the Summer including getting sick. I lost sense of my priorities, and temporarily lost myself. I stopped doing a lot of things that made me happy. I stopped writing, drawing and doing anything creative. I got quiet but not completely quiet, and stopped going to church. I slept in more often and felt myself getting more and more depressed. I nearly stopped reading also. The only thing I really did was watch TV shows on the computer or the occasional one I recorded on my TV. I got moody and distant, and did not want to be around anyone. I never stopped seeing my friends. I just slowed down on seeing them, and had a lot of days where I spent time alone in my room lost in thought and feelings.
           I am not sure how I did it, but I bounced back. I got more determined than ever to get sociable again. I made more plans with my friends and practiced talking about my feelings, hopes and dreams with them. I started off slow not being able to say much. We did more hanging out and shopping, and other activities than talking. But I pushed to get my mind out of the gutter and talk more. I had a lot inside of me that I really needed to release. In time, I got to the old me again. I made more time for my family again too and kept things inside of me less. I have recently started to read more often. I’m not sure why I nearly stopped. I guess my emotions got the best of me. I did get emotionally exhausted for the longest of times due to people whom are no longer in my life anymore. I am both relieved and sad by that. But it is for the best, and it is no longer hurting me and holding me back.
       I started writing again. Writing is a huge part of my life. It is part of what makes me, me and allows me to release pent up emotions as well as organizing my thoughts. I really enjoy writing in my notebooks diary entries about what is going on in my life and what I feel about it. I also write my own short stories, quotes and poems. I also wrote blogs too, though its been a long time since I have done them this regularly. I usually write about either my life in them or about random topics I hear about or research about. I also like sharing quotes, pictures, videos and stories I find that interest me. I also like writing about what I don’t like in today’s society too. I do not expect anyone to read my blogs. They are mainly just for me to release whatever is inside of me and be creative too when possible. But if anyone does read this, well I’m grateful and I thank whoever comes across this blog for reading it. I’m just a normal woman writing about her feelings and opinions, her life in general. I am always striving to do a whole lot more with my life, and bit by bit I do just that.
           I did a little bit of creating today. I did some art when I made some Christmas and birthday cards. Yeah I know I’m old fashioned. I actually have not made this many cards in a long time. I never had the time. But I am now making the time. One of my priorities is to show the people I care about that I care for them, and love them dearly. Now that I have made some cards, soon Ill make more but also do sketching and painting too. I am slowly bringing parts of me back that were lost and forgotten when I lost myself to depression.
       This is the last paragraph of this blog. I am surprised at how long it is. It has been a long time since I wrote a super long blog. Anyways, I am slowly getting back into singing and dancing too. I will be taking more lessons for different styles of dance in the new year and I will find a way to sing more too. I will find a place to practice singing publicly and soon do it as a gig. I do not want to get famous. I just want to do it a little bit because I really love to do it. Music brings out feelings inside of me that cannot be brought out by anything else. Listening to music brings it out but singing brings more out of me, and is more healing than just listening to music. I am sure a lot of people would agree with me about music’s affect on a person’s spirit. I feel like the more I do what I love, the more I start feeling like me again. The more I try new things, and try to build a life where I am constantly learning and growing the more I grow as a person. I am a happier, stronger and independent person. I feel like a broken toy that was fixed. I feel like a puzzle where the missing pieces, my passions are being found and filled to make the picture in the puzzle called me. I feel like I am growing up with still some inner child that I always want to hold o n to some extent as it is part of what makes me the person I am today. I am a rare type of person.  One that is very nice and cares deeply about people, and I do not hate anyone. It feels like this world is full of rude and hateful people. I am not saying everyone is hateful. I am trying to say we need less hate and more nice and caring genuine people in this world. Some exist but not enough or we would not have so much conflict, so much war. I end this blog with a saying that speaks true to what I believe and can relate to, a saying said by a brilliant man called Albert Einstein. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. ”

Be safe,

Love, Kayla

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Reconcile

           I am so relieved to have worked things out with the one friend I actually had a chance of fixing things with. I started to lose hope. I was starting to think I would never talk to her again, and it hurt a lot. I was depressed for the whole five days it took for her to call me and apologize. She realized everything that was said to her about the bad dude she was hanging with was true. It all sunk in just as I hoped it would before it was too late to fix

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our frayed friendship. Of course she will have to build my trust again, but one step at a time. We will get there eventually. It will just take time. I am just glad to have reconciled with one of my best friends that I had for twelve years. She means the world to me, and is like a sister to me. I love and care for her so much, and I am so relieved that she is out of harms way. Now I pray for her recovery from this traumatic thing that happened with this jerk. I hope he stays away from her. I hope she stays safe. 

Betrayal

           When you think you know someone. They can still surprise you.
They can still turn around and stab you in the back without a second thought. Does the years of friendship not mean a thing to them? Did I ever mean anything to them? I ask this question a lot, and still I don’t get an answer. I may never get an answer, and I just have to accept that. It is not easy at this moment to accept it. I’m hurting a lot and feeling very confused and hurt. How can I be replaced by someone that she has only known less than a month and hardly sees? How can a best friend and sister turn her back on twelve years of friendship like this for a guy who is not single and an ex con? I get the worst feelings around him and I’m usually never wrong about my intuition. He is a bad influence and person. This friend is turning her back on her family and friends for someone she does not know. That is very stupid, and I honestly thought she was smarter than this. I guess not. My dad also gets a bad feeling from this guy that is changing someone very dear to me for the worst. I have lost another important person to me.

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Sometimes To Listen Can Hurt

      

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    Sometimes to listen can hurt. I have promised myself I would find a balance between personal interactions and technological ones, I.e. Facebook, and texting. Trying to talk to my dad can be like trying to tame a wild animal at times. I love him but he has a very short temper. For instance tonight he kept snapping at me for no reason and insulting me. I felt like crying and even commented on how maybe I should just go back to relying on the internet. Listening can have a cost. But I’m not giving up. I’ll just need to suck it up and have a bit more patience. Listening is the key to better relationships with everyone.

Kayla L